Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The beer is more important than you right now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
