Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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