Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
