I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
