After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
