He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
