SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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