Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
