he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
