Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
