my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
