You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
COCAINE IS GR8
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
