More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
