When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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