Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
