i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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