I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
