and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
