Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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