I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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