while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
