I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
