"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
