Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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