her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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