listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
