We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
