Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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