hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
