I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
