I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
