Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
