my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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