i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
