I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
