on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
