Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
