did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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