I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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