i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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