i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
