our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
