Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
