I think I won the penis lottery.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
