I just gift wrapped bread.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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