Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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