I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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