The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.