He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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