i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
