I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
