Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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