Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
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What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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