He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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