There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
